Last Friday, I broke down and cried in front of my principal and one of the other teachers. I had the worst day up until that point (it got worse this week) with one of my classes, and then sat in a meeting where only 3 people showed up and we were arguing, and I lost it. It was embarrassing and ridiculous. Here's the back story.
I got my new kids at the end of January. I was prepared for them to be more difficult, but in reality I wasn't prepared for it. My last two classes are crazed, though for different reasons. My middle class is mostly boys, and they have mentality of middle schoolers. This I can cope with - they are at least likable, and I know how to bribe and invest them in their achievement. They're not perfect yet, but at least I feel like there's hope for them, and they're improving, and they like me. Plus, all of them actually possess a soul. My last period class is another story all together. There is one kid in there who every teacher has complained about - he's loopy and weird and disruptive and inappropriate...and the least of my problems. My problems come from the girls in the class...about 7 of them in all...who also have the mentality of middle schoolers. However, there is a vast difference between middle school boys and middle school girls. Middle school boys are goofy and silly and immature, but still generally want to please. Middle school girls are nasty, mean, self-centered, and absolutely awful to be around. Therefore, it is no surprise that hardly a day in 20 has gone by where I did not feel my blood pressure rise and my patience disappear with that class.
On the day that led to tears, I had resorted to literally teaching the students who were interested while the others talked. This was the second day in a row where this happened. I have never, ever gotten to this point with a class. And if them talking wasn't bad enough, but the end of the class the worst girl in there (who had been suspended a week earlier for calling me a nasty bitch and threatening to have her mother come and fight me because I was trying to make her serve detention) was carrying on about me, "Oh no, she mad now! She pissed at us. Ms. McCants, you not gonna cry, are you?" I wasn't going to cry at that point, but I was really, really mad.
The meeting that I went to after this horrid class was the "Visionary Planning Committee." A group of us have been meeting since late November to draft a proposal to present to the school board for funding to develop our art program (since we're supposed to be an art school). I'd spent most of the week working on pieces of this proposal, and had personally put half of it together because no one else was stepping up to do it, or the stuff that they attempted was poorly done and required more work from me to make it presentable. This meeting was the second-to-last before our presentation, and the only people to show up were the principal, myself, one other teacher, and two students. In this meeting, we were discussing the staffing projection, which I'd drafted. Apparently it wasn't going to work, though I still don't understand why, and the principal wanted to send it to our Math IST, who also does our scheduling...but who is currently in the Philippines working on her citizenship application. I was so angry that no one else was helping, and so frustrated that we hadn't just asked her to do it in the first place, that I just lost it. Ms. Lance thinks that she offended me and that's why I was upset, but it was just a culmination of a week of utter frustration...
Anyway, this week was moderately better. I cussed my last class out (I said things that I NEVER say...) and they seem to have responded well to that...like they respect me more now, which makes no sense to me. The portfolio is sort of almost done, and the presentation is on Tuesday. We had Friday off for snow, which is always a blessing. I've discovered a few kids who are the light in my day and will keep me sane until everything else settles out. I'm collecting money for prom, which allows me to see my Juniors and fill my heart with a little love for them. And, best of all, Spring Break is less than a month away...
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You're not alone. Today I nearly cried when I walked into our staffroom for a staff morning tea, I wanted to grab something and then go to my office to help some students. I reach out my hand to take one piece of food (I had seen others walk out with food previously) and I was immediately yelled at by two staff members in front of about 30 other people. Apparently they wanted to wait for everyone to get there (that's over 150 staff and it never happens). So I decided I didn't want to be someone where I was publically scolded and went to my office, feeling very teary with rage.
My first year of teaching, I think I cried more than what is normal. It's okay to cry. Just don't let the kids see it. Crying releases the pressure. (((Sarah)))
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Alex
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--------------------------------
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I'm so sorry you had/have to deal with students like. I just finished my student teaching and those are the students who make this job hard, but like the ones you said light up your day, those are the reason we do it! I hope it gets better.
wow. that's all i can say. i teach in what most people consider to be a small community in texas... somewhere between san antonio and san marcos... starts with 'new.' most people don't believe me when i try to explain the things kids are capable of doing to destroy the academic environment. and i have a hard time even trying to put into words the situations that i have witnessed because people tend to automatically assume that somehow the teacher is totally responsible for them. i never thought that i would come across anyone who shared the same heart breaking experiences in the classroom that i have. while it's incredibly validating to read that someone else out there knows and understands it also saddens me to realize, fully and for the first time, what our society has become. i cry like a baby because of the frustration and disillusion (not a spelling teacher!) and disappointment and actual anger i feel toward the attitude our society has toward education and teachers. i would walk out the door and quit this very second if it weren't for those rogue students who have touched my life and become my family. the ones who tell the other younger ones who are coming to me in the future that i am one of the ones who will help them. and that i do care. that i can be trusted and that i am for real. they are the reason that i stay, and i'm sure the reason that all of you do to. at the risk of sounding like the velveteen rabbit, or whatever, i want to be real. and i hope all of us can continue to hold on and stay real. because whether they know it or not, they need us. and obviously there isn't anyone else out there willing to risk (sanity? reality?) what we do for them;)
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