The first of many promises for next year has already been broken. Several weeks ago I went and walked through the new building with my principal and dean and the architects, and we had all this sweet stuff lined up, including 5 nice, big, functioning science labs. The new story is that we'll only have 3 labs, and only one of them will be functional by the beginning of the school year. The boss lady is throwing a fit, but I know this is just a preview of things to come. I'm telling you, I'm not convinced that my optimism will survive another year of this system. Right now, I have all my eggs in one basket...the basket made of $5 million, supplies, a reduced enrollment, and a nicer environment that will make my kids behave. If we don't get what we've been promised (I should say when, not if) and if the kids still don't behave, and there are still a million of them, I will be so disciouraged. It is tempting to bag it now while I have some optimism left. :-(
I went to Denver for the end of my Spring Break for Ian's wedding (which was beautiful, amazing, wonderful...) and saw many of my college friends while I was out there. It was unbelievable to see people who knew me before I became Ms. McCants and to be reminded that I have value and personality outside of my role as a teacher in Baltimore City. With them I wasn't a side-show, I wasn't just talking about my students, we had things that held us together besides the whole teaching thing. Not to say that my friends here aren't just as valuable...it just reminded me of a me that I think I have let slip away, and I think she was pretty cool. Look at this...major babe, right?
We flew in to Denver on Friday and then stayed with Matt's parents in Loveland. Driving around in Colorado made me long to be back in the West where things are clean, calm, and predictable. We test-drove a Prius and talked to a really genuine sales guy, were treated so nicely by the clerks at Wal-Mart and King Soopers that I almost didn't know how to react, and were not cussed at, flipped off, or made to feel threatened by anyone the whol eweekend. It was eye opening when we went to visit Matt's friend Jearime at work. His office is gorgeous and almost made me want to cry.....my work should be clean and nice with art hanging on the wall and a steady temperature and a nice, soothing atmosphere. Instead people pee on my floor, write on my walls, spit in my sinks, smoke in my hall...oh, and call me unspeakable names. It was almost enough to convince me to throw in the towel...until today, when I had lunch with Dana, Keon, Warren, and even Marcus stopped by, and I was reminded of why I do this job. Kids who are actually normal (or are at least not obscenely screwed up) and who are just looking for a way to be successful. Kids who are just kids. And kids who, in Marcus's case, just need someone to be there for them and make them feel important and special. How can I quit this and disappoint them? I know I have to eventually, because I know I can't be a career teacher in Baltimore, but I don't know if I can abandon Marcus and Keon and those others before they are finished and without warning. I just hope I don't have to...
Here we are in the home stretch. I have I think 18 instructional days left with my students. We have so much left to cover that I can't find the balance, so I'm pushing to make everything count. The last two lessons have been pretty awesome, and I hope I can keep up with the standard myself. Wish me luck and energy now in the home stretch.
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